Never let go
by Living People
Summary: Buffy struggles to rebuild her life, but how can she hope for a normal life when Willow's powers are out of control, Xander is grieving, and she is falling in love...with Spike the ghost?
1. Becoming

Never let go  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, yada ya, criptical crap, don't sue me, you know the drill.  
  
This is by Lan, hope you enjoy.  
  
This is a sequel to the Buffy show finale. Spike/Buffy fan fiction.  
  
The actual story starts here.  
  
Buffy stared out of the window as the car sped past the ruins of Sunnydale. The city whooshed past the tiny car window as Buffy felt a tear run down her cheek. She wasn't even too sure why she was crying. She was happy- really, she was. But why did happiness have to come at the price of loosing so many people she love?  
  
She felt Xander squeeze her hand. She squeezed his back, knowing that he needed reassurance as much, if not more than, she did. "Xander."she whispered, just for the sake of doing something, a reminder of things that were still real and needed for her to treasure.  
  
"I know," he hugged her tightly, "I know."  
  
"What are we going to do?" She asked, "Where are we going?"  
  
"Somewhere safe," he replied, "somewhere where we can attempt to rebuild our lives."  
  
Buffy looked back at Sunnydale. For a few years she was actually convinced. She was living in a dream, and actually convinced that Sunnydale was a safe home, and that she was safe, and might actually have a life. But now she learnt that there is a price to everything, and that basically nowhere is safe. She was brave for her friends, but deep down there was an empty hole where Spiky, Anya and the better Sunnydale used to be. A hole that was never going to go away. She mused over her life. Good thing-she finds an actual life in Sunnydale. Bad thing-It's a hellmouth. Good thing-They destroy the hellmouth. Bad thing-Half the people died.  
  
That night, as she was settling herself for the night, she looked out of her window. "Spike." she whispered, "I miss you so much."  
  
"I miss you too Buffy." Came a reply. Buffy yelped, and jerked up.  
  
"Help." Spike was floating out of her window, looking as real as if he was alive. 


	2. Falling

Falling  
  
Author's note: I don't watch "Angel", but since Spike is going to be there as a ghost if anything I say goes against what they say in "Angel" please tell me.  
  
Buffy was very quiet and moody at breakfast the next day. She poked at her eggs and bacon, hardly noticing what was in her plate.  
  
Willow put an arm around Buffy's shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"Bad night," Buffy replied, to hide what she was really feeling.  
  
This was the part where Xander should have cracked a joke, but he also seemed too absorbed into his own world to even notice that a conversation was going on.  
  
Buffy looked around the table. Their party seemed incredibly small without Anya and Spike. Anya, whose innocence about life never failed to amaze her. Anya, who was always eager to help but would never put herself in danger. Anya, who was never a best friend but always stable and constantly there.  
  
And Spike. Spike, who was once their enemy. Spike, who had loved her so dearly. Spike, who had gone and gotten his soul back for her. Spike, who died saving the world.  
  
The truth was, Buffy hadn't been able to sleep since her late-night visit from Spike. She had spent the rest of the night thinking and she honestly had no idea what to do. She had hoped that Spike was a dream, or an illusion, but that would mean that she was totally loosing it. If Spike was real.well, there'd be even bigger problems.  
  
Half way through breakfast, Buffy realized that she had been sitting there for the whole time, not having the stomach to eat anything. She excused herself and rushed back into her room, ignoring her friends' worried looks.  
  
She plopped back onto her bed and stared out of the window. The sky has changed to match her mood-the sun was no longer visible and a light rain had began to fall. Buffy's vision was fuzzing over when she saw something outside the window that shouldn't be there. She blinked, and the image was gone. Buffy decided that it was just a trick of light, looked up again, and jumped off the bed.  
  
"Spike?!?!?" She practically shouted, "What the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"And here I thought you'd be happy to see me." Though a ghost, or whatever he was, Spike's wry humor had stayed with him.  
  
"I am happy to see you." Buffy told him, and it was the truth. Although she was doubting the existence of what was outside her window, and doubting her sanity, and doubting in general, Buffy was honestly glad to see the same platinum hair and sharp eyes again.  
  
Unable to find something to say, Buffy said the first thing that came to her mind. "What are you?" she asked, quite bluntly.  
  
"A ghost," Spike sighed. "A shadow of what used to be."  
  
"But.why?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I don't know," Spike replied, "But does it really matter?"  
  
"No," Buffy decided, "all that matters is that you're right here, right now, and you're not going away."  
  
"Buffy?" Spike said, amazed, "Are you sure you're alright? That was totally not like you."  
  
"No," Buffy burst out, "My home was completely destroyed. I lost two of my best friends. I've lost more things I hold dear than you can imagine. Xander is faring worse than I am. Some of the potentials have been killed. I won't be alright for years." To her frustration, she felt tears roll down her cheeks in a totally un-Buffy behavior.  
  
"Wow," Spike looked taken aback, "Buffy. you're crying. I never thought I'd see the day when THE Buffy cried. Although. You don't always have to be so brave." Sometime during their conversation, Spike had let himself in and was now standing in the room.  
  
"One of us have to be brave," she insisted, and threw herself into Spike's arms. Tried to, anyway. She simply went right through him and crashed into the closet.  
  
"Oops," Buffy rubbed her sore arms, "I forgot."  
  
"So easy to," Spike grumbled. He let himself out, "I'll be seeing you around."  
  
Buffy watched him go. When she turned around again, she was surprised to find that her heart was beating rapidly. Spike didn't excite her like that.did he? She shook her head at the thought that she would fall in love with Spike again. It was a pretty slim possibility.  
  
"Buffy?" A knock at the door brought her back to her senses. Opening it, she found Willow outside. "Kennedy and I are going shopping. Wanna come?"  
  
"Why not?" Buffy smiled, "just let me get ready." Within seconds, Buffy was ready to go. She grinned hugely as she stepped out of the door. She was so happy to just leave things behind and do something normal-as normal as it will get, anyway. 


	3. Wild

Wild  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Willow, Kennedy or Buffy. I also don't own a laptop, the "Stacie's Mum" CD or a life, so if anyone would like to lend me one I'd be happy to hear from you.  
  
"Oh my god, this is so gorgeous!" Willow exclaimed, holding up a delicate clock. Its machinery was completely visible, due to the fact that the casing of the clock was made entirely of glass.  
  
"And expensive," Buffy pointed out, checking the price tag, "there's no way I'll ever afford that."  
  
The three were in a shop, looking for a birthday present for Dawn, whose birthday was coming up. They've looked at books, clothes, cosmetics and CDs and came up with nothing good yet within budget.  
  
"I wish people around here will sell things that are actually affordable." Buffy complained, putting the clock back on the shelf.  
  
"I know," Willow agreed, "hey let's get something to eat. With luck, food will still be buy-able."  
  
The girls giggled all the way to the food court, and ordered their food. As Buffy sat down with her tray, she realized with a start how much fun she was having. She actually felt like a normal girl out with her friends, and was able to put behind the fact that she was in a completely unfamiliar place and that she was just talking to a ghost. Maybe it wasn't pointless to hope for a bit of normalcy after all.  
  
The afternoon disappeared as they shopped through the whole town. They stopped in front of a posh-looking jeweler.  
  
"Well.it's pretty unlikely that we'll afford even the hook on a pair of earrings from a place like that." Buffy said uncertainly.  
  
"Yeah, but it'll be fun to look," Willow insisted, "last shop for the day?"  
  
Reluctantly, Buffy and Kennedy agreed and they entered the shop together. Buffy was right-the cheapest thing in the shop was twice her budget. Still, they had fun as they browsed through the shop and sighed with envy at the beautiful earrings, necklaces and other jewelry.  
  
"Hey!" Willow picked up her discovery. It was the same clock they saw earlier on, with one difference-it was almost half the price of the one earlier.  
  
"You know," Buffy examined the clock closely, "I can almost afford this."  
  
"We'll pitch in." Willow and Kennedy chorused, and grinned.  
  
Buffy smiled and rested the clock in her left hand as she searched through her bag for her purse. As she stuck her head in her bag to look, the fur covering on something in her bag tickled her nose and she sneezed.  
  
Things happened so fast Buffy wasn't sure that she saw everything. Forgetting that she was holding something, Buffy moved her hand to cover her mouth, which caused her to drop the clock. As she gasped, Kennedy made to catch the clock, which slipped through her fingers. Willow, standing a few feet away, shoved her hands out with no hope to reach it.  
  
The clock stopped mid-fall and jumped back onto the shelf.  
  
Buffy and Kennedy turned slowly to look at Willow, who was staring at her hands in shock.  
  
"Did I do that?" she looked at them for confirmation. They nodded.  
  
"Oh my gosh," Willow gasped, "oh god. This is really bad."  
  
Fortunately, the shop was pretty deserted so nobody saw anything. The three were incredibly silent as they made their way back. As soon as they stepped into the room, Buffy hurried towards her room, mumbling something about resting. Willow tried to follow her, but Kennedy shook her head and led Willow away.  
  
Buffy slumped onto her bed, unable to believe that she was so happy just an hour ago. Why is it that nothing goes right in her life anymore? She knew that she couldn't blame Willow, but it was just that.her life was such a mess.  
  
Meanwhile, Kennedy has dragged Willow off. "Willow," she asked, "what's wrong?"  
  
"I don't know," Willow shook in shock as she answered, "it's been a long time since my powers got away from me, and never like that."  
  
Kennedy put an arm around her shoulders. "It's okay," she comforted, "we'll get through this."  
  
Willow looked up into her eyes. "We will?" she said.  
  
"Yes," Kennedy was determined, "c'mon, let's go talk to Giles." 


	4. Belong

Belong  
  
Buffy opened her eyes to the morning sunlight streaming through her window to land on her bed. She groaned and struggled to sit up. Remembering yesterday's events, she decided to lie down again.  
  
"Bad dream?" A voice asked. Buffy yelped, and jumped up.  
  
"Bad REALITY," Buffy replied as soon as she was over her shock, "Spike, there is such thing as knocking."  
  
"Really?" Spike didn't seem too concerned. "What's the matter?"  
  
"There's too many for me to go over," Buffy said, "but your existence is one of them."  
  
Spike half-snorted and went to sit on her bed. "Anything I can do to help?"  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, and closed it. What happened to the witty comebacks? She asked herself. "You can sit with me for a while," she answered softly instead.  
  
"Okay," Spike looked unsure, "you're very odd today."  
  
"It's an odd day." Buffy answered and moved to lean on Spike. Remembering his lack of a solid body, she leaned against the wall instead.  
  
There they sat, next to each other, sharing a comfortable silence during which the only sound to be heard was their breathing. Buffy felt safe, relaxed and comfortable for the first time in many days as she watched the movement of Spike's chest as he breathed. She smiled as she took in Spike's stubborn yet delicate features and the unique scent of his aftershave.  
  
Wait a minute, she thought to herself, Rewind! What am I doing thinking about Spike's aftershave?  
  
Buffy shook her head a bit to clear it up. The truth was, she was starting to notice things about Spike like the scent of his aftershave, the way he ran his fingers through his platinum curls, and other tiny things that made him so cute. Evidence and experience told her that she was falling in love, but it seemed quite unlikely. Sure, she'd told Spike that she loved him, but she didn't really mean it. She had only asked him to stay with her because she needed support--right?  
  
"I'd better be going," Spike said after a few minutes, getting up and going to the window.  
  
To Buffy's surprise, her heart dropped at the thought of him leaving so soon. Determined to block out those feelings close to love, Buffy tried to think of why she shouldn't fall in love with Spike. Instead, she found the part of her memory that told her why she fell for him in the first place.  
  
"Bye." Spike said, jerking her back to reality. Telling herself that this was not the best time to be thinking, Buffy got up.  
  
"Bye," Buffy said as she walked him to the window, "I love you."  
  
The words had come out without much thinking, but once she said it she knew that it was true. They had spent months doubting, wondering, but all the same building up untainted trust. He was one of the only people who stood with her through all she's been through, and kept loving her even though she rejected him so many times.  
  
Spike turned and looked at her hard. Finally he turned and left without another word.  
  
"Come back soon," Buffy whispered to his disappearing back.  
  
Buffy settled herself onto her bed again, a new worry fresh in her already cramped mind. Being in love wasn't easy to begin with, but being in love with a vampire-turned-ghost was too much. What was it she always heard about falling in love being wonderful?  
  
Why couldn't my life just be EASY? She thought to herself as, to her frustration, a lump appeared in her throat.  
  
Oh no, she told herself, I'm not going to cry. I never cry. And I've cried too much in the last couple of days anyway. I am NOT going to cry.  
  
So what was that single tear doing, rolling down her cheek?  
  
And why is it being followed? 


	5. Afraid

Afraid  
  
"Everyone's so moody."  
  
"Well you can't blame them, I mean it was really hard on everyone."  
  
"But there's such thing as moving on."  
  
"I am totally scared for Buffy and Xander. They haven't touched their food for days."  
  
"Neither have you."  
  
The day has passed and night has fallen without many events registering to Buffy. She was getting used to it-that happened a lot these days, when there was simply too much on her mind. Now, she sat on one of the armchairs, staring at the TV while accidentally eavesdropping on the whispered conversation between Willow, Kennedy and Faith. The words seeped through her ears into her brain, but they didn't register. She knew that they were probably talking about her, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to act about it.  
  
"Buffy?" For the first time, Faith sounded careful. "Are you okay?"  
  
Was she okay? That was one thing Faith didn't want to go into. It was something nobody wanted to go into. Because Buffy was far from okay.  
  
"Leave me alone," she murmured instead, focusing her eyes on the Current Affairs story about bad meat instead of Faith's face.  
  
"Buffy," it was Kennedy who spoke this time, "you need help."  
  
"I'm fine, I just wanna be left alone." She insisted. Seeing their unconvinced and still worried looks, she sighed with frustration and got up.  
  
"Buffy you really can't do this alone. We're your friends, let us help you."  
  
Instead of answering and pointing out that they sounded like very lame counselors, Buffy simply left the room. She stomped into her bedroom, fuming and wishing Spike was here. Wishing Spike was here?!?  
  
Ever since that morning-even before that, she realized-she had been having these thoughts about Spike. She'd realized that she loved him, but didn't realize just how much. How much she wanted him. Make that needed him.  
  
As if on cue, Spike appeared outside her window. He was grinning as he let himself into her room. "Guess what?" he said.  
  
"What?" Buffy asked, her eyes fixed on his.  
  
"I've found out something," he told her happily, "when and if I want to, I can make myself solid again."  
  
Buffy continued to stare at him, her eyes betraying none of the feelings she felt inside. Having Spike as a solid person once more was definitely a plus. Now that she official loved him again, him being solid meant that his shoulder was available once more for her to lean on. His lips could once more be kissed. It even meant-  
  
Buffy stopped herself just in time, before any more thoughts of that category escaped. She found that thinking usually meant wanting, and in her case wanting meant doing, which she really didn't want to go into. Instead, she asked the first thing that came to mind.  
  
"Why?" she asked him.  
  
"I think it has something to do with me being a vampire," Spike replied, "something magickal."  
  
Buffy studied him, wondering how it would feel to fall into his arms again. Not wondering, she realized. Craving. Craving to be held again, and to be loved.  
  
"Spike." she whispered, "I'm scared."  
  
"I'm scared too," he admitted, coming over to her and becoming more solid, "but being scared together is better than being scared alone."  
  
Buffy threw herself into his arms, grateful for the fact that he felt every bit as gentle yet firm as he always did. She looked up, intending to say something, but found herself staring into his eyes. Not a good way to start a conversation, because once she started looking.she can't tear her eyes away.  
  
Even without much thinking, Buffy's head moved to close the distance between them, and their lips met. Her hand had landed on his waist, but that apparently could be useful. She moved her hands further and further up, hitching up his shirt as they kissed.  
  
Meanwhile, Spike's hand has wandered towards her waist and has just found its way under her shirt when.  
  
A beam of light from a car illuminated the room, causing the two to jump apart. From the roar of the engine, the person who has interrupted was Giles.  
  
"That would be Giles," Spike said, moving away.  
  
"He has a key." Buffy whispered, and pulled him towards her again. 


End file.
